How Individuals Create a Defensive Atmosphere in a Relationship

• Have a long list of expectations for the other person.
• Assume that all anger is bad and that you should never disagree.
• Use the word or phrase you frequently use during disagreements…You never.. If only you would..
• Keep secrets, reveal only flattering facts about yourself and keep all negative experiences inside.
• Hold firmly the notion that the negative side of life has no place in your relationship.
• Excessive worry about what others think of you.  By becoming a worried, nervous person, you will create an uptight, tense environment.
• Develop rigid, legalistic beliefs by making duties and obligations out of every aspect of family life; be head-strong and inflexible.
• Side step the feedback given to you by others; reject constructive suggestions by others.
• Hold firmly to traditions, control, and all that is predictable.
• Be self-absorbed, procrastinate, or be lazy.
• Be in control of minor things; be pessimistic, bossy, or finicky with the way you like things done.
• Have conditional acceptance; offer acceptance when your conditions are met; offer forgiveness after a sufficient apology is rendered; feel proud that you make others earn your love; give love and respect only when you get it.
• When someone points out a deficiency, you quickly point out a deficiency in the other person.
• Focus so heavily on issues of right and wrong that you lose your sense of compassion.
• Clam up in silence until the other person sees things your way; back the other person into a corner with a barrage of loaded questions; lecture about the wrongness of the other person’s ways; don’t bother to be diplomatic.
• Project an image of a life that has never had a hitch.  This is usually a person who feels inadequate in dealing with the discomforts of an imperfect life.
• Blame the other person so you don’t have to be accountable.
• Avoid self-examination by keeping the focus on the other person.
• Hide from the one whom conflict is likely; become a workaholic or be so preoccupied with activities that intimacy is avoided.
• Be hesitant to be personal with individuals considered to be of inferior stock.
• Don’t get involved, because you aren’t sure you want to be involved with working out a solution.

When to Drop Defensive Anger…

• When it is more beneficial to drop your anger than to be right
• When the other person’s feelings are more important than your anger
• When your personal feelings of security and stability are reconciled

For more details refer to:
Will the Defense Please Rest?  by Dr. Les Carter; ISBN 0-8010-2513-3

In a person who is open to experience, each stimulus is freely relayed through the nervous system, without being distorted by any process of defensiveness.

~ Carl Rogers